there are no winners in this game.

marian barksdale: One thing Mrs. Barksdale discussed really hit home for me. At the end of her talk about the School Board she mentioned "B" (for the sake of privacy), her "tutee", as she calls him. It seems that she has formed a very special relationship with this boy, traveling to the 7 different places he has moved to in the short 5 years she has known him in order to continue mentoring. This might seem crazy to some people, but when you have a bond with someone and care deeply about him/her, you want to help in any way possible. Traveling a little extra distance to do something you already committed to is not a huge chip off the shoulder. Mrs. Barksdale also mentioned that she has, in the past, paid the family's electric bill, and on the very day of her talk would be paying the family's motel bill. She stated that she worried about making these payments a little, but only 2 requests in 5 years really isn't that bad. I agree. If you can afford it and it's not consistent, I say go for it.
    But then Marian mentioned that B needed to attend summer school for 9th grade English. She had given him a number to call for financial aid and then she left town. Upon arrival back home she learned that B had not enrolled in summer school due to a lack of funds. She defined this as a personal failure. She plain and simply "wasn't there"--but she was there. She was there to guide him in the direction of summer school, to help him find a way to get funds. She just wasn't physically there. It wasn't her fault that her trip happened to coincide with summer school registration. It wasn't her fault that the number she gave him had already given out all of its money by the time B called. Everything was out of her power, but yet, in her mind, she failed.
    I understand her sense of guilt. Believe me, I've felt it a thousand times, but that's exactly what worries me. At Amherst, I tutor for an organization called ABC (A Better Chance). The program moves talented, minority boys from inner-cities into places like Amherst with good school systems. In Amherst, there are 7 high school boys who all live together in a house. I tutor one junior in particular, Randy. He's just about the only boy who will flat-out admit he needs help. He always works the entire time (with occasional breaks to talk) and for some reason he took a liking to me from the beginning. He'd teach me Spanish, so I could in turn teach him Spanish (although I think he knew more than he led on and just enjoyed hearing my French accent struggle over vocabulary). He'd work diligently on Math problems, but at the same time milk his broken arm so he didn't have to write out 100 flashcards. Now, don't get me wrong, Randy would continually test me--ask me why I did this, how much I was getting paid, etc. I think deep down he knew though, I do it because I enjoy it, because I always walk away with a smile, because every single day I gain something new (like the Spanish phrase yo te quiero dedicar une elephante--sp?) Randy would always only take it so far, but then quickly back down and focus if he noticed I was even the least bit frustrated. It was almost as though he was slightly afraid I would hand in the towel and give up on him. I wouldn't. We had a great relationship. I even took him to get his haircut at one point so he wouldn't have to wait around for an untimely bus. On the way home he criticized my style, saying I needed to invest in a pair of sweet sneakers (He owns over 50 pairs). He suggested Pumas.
    Then one day he mentioned that he could get extra credit in Spanish for attending a play the next day at a nearby college, but he didn't have a ride. I was free, so I offered to bring him. I explained that he would need to get directions and call me with the details. The play ended up being rescheduled (he didn't give me the new date), but then a few days later called and told me the play was on that night. I really wanted to bring him, but it was such short notice and I had a study session for an exam. Still, I felt obligated to Randy. I didn't want to let him down, but I just couldn't miss this review session. I searched frantically for a solution for about an hour and luckily one of my friends offered to take him. It was a relief, a huge relief. Still, I felt guilty for not being able to do it and obligated to find another way for him. I felt the same guilt when a lecture or exam would come up and I couldn't make tutoring. It was extremely stressful for me and would weigh down on my conscience. The sad part is, at least five other people are supposed to tutor on the same night as me. I had only seen two ever-->both showed up at the first, and maybe second, session.
    This guilt, this "failure" attitude Marian mentioned, is the worst. Especially when you know things are out of your control and there are a ton of people out there who just don't care. I often worry that it would be too emotionally draining to see all of these students, with so many needs, and know that I can't help them all. As hard as I could try, it would never be enough. I can't win and I might lose, over and over again. That fact just kills me. But the truth of it all is, I can at least play a damn good game.